Infertility Etiquette

So this has been sitting inu drafts for a week and I'm just getting around to posting it. As the holidays approach, the fact that I am still struggling with infertility is on my mind more than usual. While I know that God has a plan for my life, I can't help but sometimes feel like a failure at my bodies inability to make and carry a baby. Infertility is not something a lot of people openly talk about, especially with friends and family who have never experienced it. Many people will often say "I know what you a going through," but unless you have experienced infertility first hand, you have no idea. I know most people's intentions are good, but there are still a million things that people say that crush the heart of a person struggling with infertility.

So as the holidays approach, I have decided to put together a list of things I hate to hear when it comes to infertility and/or having a baby. (Some of these I borrowed from another blog, the RESOLVE web site, and some are things that have happened to me.)

1.  Please don't assume that it is easy for everyone to get pregnant.  I know your intentions are good, but don't go around asking everyone you know when they are going to have kids.  While most infertile people will smile and say something nice like "We're trying" or "We'll see" you may one day cross an infertile on a bad day and get more than you bargained for.
2. Please don't tell me to "Just Relax" and you will get pregnant.  
3. Please do not ask me if I have thought about adoption or tell me that you know a person who adopted and then got pregnant.  While fertility treatments are expensive and somewhat a gamble, so is adoption.
4. If you have children or are pregnant, please don’t talk about the downside. I know you’re trying to be comforting, but this can be the equivalent of telling a blind person they are lucky because you have to spend so much money on your eyeglasses. 
5. Please don’t suggest a reason why this is happening. Whether you think it’s God’s will or fate or that there’s some reason the universe has decided an infertile couple should have these issues, kindly keep it to yourself. Trying to apply logic to an inexplicable or illogical situation is simply not helpful. I personally have been dealing with this long enough to know that some couples get lucky, and some don’t. Even the most religious infertile couples will tell you that sometimes things happen when you’re going through this journey that don’t make sense. You just have to do your best and accept the outcome. Plus, when someone struggles with infertility, they often blame themselves. You trying to provide a reason as to why it might be their fault, only makes it worse.  
6. Understand that there are some events that are difficult (baby showers being at the top of the list). Again, it’s nothing personal toward you. You never know where an infertile woman is either emotionally, psychologically or physically. Imagine finding out your IVF failed, and then the very next day going to a baby shower where they talk about pregnancy the whole time. Sometimes, the timing is off and the person just needs to protect their own feelings.
7.  If I take an unexpected few days off work, please do not ask me upon my return if I'm pregnant and was home with morning sickness.
8. If you are pregnant and/or have children, please to do make every conversation revolve around your child.  While we are happy to hear about your child, sometimes we just want to talk about life in general and other things that are going on.  
9. Don't tell me there are worse things that could happen to me.  
10. Don't try to minimize the problem.  Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy. 
11. Don't be upset if we do not acknowledge you on Mother's Day and/or Father's Day.  These are very difficult days of the year for us and it is another reminder that we do not have a child here on earth to call our own.
12. Please do not exclude us altogether.  While we know your lives have changed and there are lots things you want to do with other couples of who children, please do not forget about us.  We already feel alienated because we do have a child or our own.  

Here are a few phrases that are good to say:

• I’m sorry you’re going through this.

• I can’t imagine how you must feel.
 
• I’m here for you.

• I’m thinking of you.

• Please let me know if you want to talk.

In general, the key is to be supportive. That’s one thing people struggling with infertility do for each other. If you post on a fertility-related chat board that you’re down, you get an endless amount of support. If you post that you’re about to start hormone shots, everyone will wish you luck. No one makes judgments or tries to make it all better: We just support and encourage each other, and that really is the most helpful thing a person can do. 

I hope this helps at least one person. Hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas.