Praying for CT

I Believe in Miracles

Sometimes we just need a reminder that God is still there working miracles every day.  Over the past few days, I have seen not one, but three instances of this.

1. I found a doctor (more like he was put in my journey when I most needed it) who was willing to do whatever he could to help me get pregnant.  He performed surgery, got ALL of the endometriosis and unblocked both my tubes.  He also gave me his cell phone number and when I text him with my random questions he always quickly responds.  I remember waking up from surgery and hearing Dr. C talking to Scott on the phone and telling him that both my tubes were blocked and the endometriosis was way worse than expected, but they got it all.  When I heard those words, tears immediately filled my eyes and I was overcome with happiness that there was actually something wrong with me and they were able to fix it.  I had been soo worried that they wouldn't find anything.
2. My aunt has been in ICU for several days and doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with her.  She finally got transferred to UAMS and while they are still unsure of what exactly is going on, she is getting better and is in a regular room now.
3. A girl I knew growing up (and who now goes to church with my parents) has a 4 year old little boy who had to have brain surgery last Thursday.  It all happened kind of sudden, but the wonderful doctor's at Arkansas Children's Hospital were able to remove the entire tumor and while they thought he might loose function in one side of his body, he is totally fine.  He was discharged within 48 hours of surgery and even showed up at church the next day and helped lead the congregation in singing his favorite song, "God's Not Dead (Like A Lion)" by the Newsboys.  This happens to be one of my favorite songs as well.

What an awesome God we serve.  I am so grateful God loves me, even though I am far from perfect.

And as the words of the song say......
My God's not dead
He's surely alive
He's living on the inside
Roaring like a lion

National Infertility Awareness Week.....Don't Ignore

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and the topic is"Don't Ignore."

Infertility affects 7.3 million people in the U.S. This figure represents 12% of women of childbearing age, or 1 in 8 couples.  Infertility is an invisible disease.  Chances are you know someone who is struggling with infertility even if you don't realize it. Infertility doesn't discriminate.  It doesn't care what race we are, what our religion is, where we live, how much money we have, our age, or our plans for life.  It effects people in every demographic. 

Because Infertility is not life-threatening, it is often dismissed by others.  Many times people will respond with things like....

"You can always just adopt." - While this may be the answer for some people, it is not the answer for everyone.  While infertility treatments are expensive and a gamble, so is adoption.  Adoption is also not for everyone.  It takes a special person to be called to adopt and not everyone is able to handle the emotional toll.

"At least you can get a full nights sleep and sleep past 6am on the weekends." - While this is true, most infertiles would gladly get up at the crack of dawn or 10 times during the night if that meant being able to hold a child of their own.

"Just relax and it will happen." - Don't you think we are trying to relax, but the stress of infertility makes it almost impossible.  This is the last thing we actually want to hear.

"Maybe you weren't meant to have kids." - Only God knows his plans for us, so please do not try to tell us what is meant for our life.  Think about how you would feel if someone said that to you.


When we first started looking for answers regarding our infertility, we didn't tell very many people.  It was new territory for us and we didn't know of anyone who had gone down this road.  I only knew of one other person that I was friends with that was experiencing problems getting pregnant.  Maybe we didn't share at first b/c we didn't know how people would react.  People in general have no filter when it comes to getting pregnant.  I was able to get pregnant about 4 months after we started trying.  I miscarried a couple of weeks later which resulted in an unexpected week off from work.  Upon my return to work, I was asked by a coworker if I had missed work b/c I was pregnant and had a bad case of morning sickness.  Being a girl that cries very easily, it was by the Grace of God that I did not lose it and go back home.  Maybe hearing things like that caused me to not want to talk about it, I'm not really sure.
Over the following year, we began to open up a little to people as we figured some knew something was up when EVERYONE around us was getting pregnant except for us.  And while I am happy that my friends are fertile and don't have to experience the pain (physical, emotional, mental) associated with infertility, it is not always easy to be around a group of people with kids when you are the only one without a child in your arms.
I have recently decided that I do not care who knows about our journey.  They more people that know, the more people that will become educated.  I have have kept my infertility off of Facebook, until last night.  I decided it was time for people to stop ignoring this silent disease and so I updated my status which some statistics (similar to the 1st bold line in this post) and a link to the RESOLVE Facebook page.  The response so far has been amazing. 


Fifteen states have passed laws requiring that insurance policies cover some level of infertility treatment: Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Hawaii, Illinois, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Montana, New Jersey, New York, Ohio, Rhode Island, Texas and West Virginia.

Did you know that fertility treatments are expensive?  While Arkansas is one of 15 states that has a level of infertility treatment, not every policy covers it.  My currently policy only covered 80% up until diagnosis, then it covered 0%.  That's right 0%.  That means every time we walked into the fertility specialists office, we were paying 100% out of pocket.  In the case of our clinic, the cost of walking through the door would cost you $75-$100.  An ultrasound was about $265 and a day three blood draw was $249.  The price of medication varies.  While 5 days of 50mg of Clomid only cost me $9, 3 days of Bravelle injectibles cost me about $180.  The actual IUI procedure at our clinic costs $330.  While I have found that many others have paid much more for a round of treatment, this all adds up over time.  The financial burden of infertility takes a toll on you after a while.  Everyone has their own limits when it comes to deciding a course of treatment and when to walk away.  While you may not understand our decision, please be supportive of it.

For those of you who do not or have not had fertility problems, it may be awkward for you talk about it with someone who is struggling.  Asking questions and showing us you care means more to us than anything.  While at times we may cry when talking about it, that doesn't mean we don't want to discuss it, it is just a VERY emotional journey for us.  While talking about it may put you in an uncomfortable situation, take a minute to think about what we might be going through hearing you talk about your kids or being around other peoples kids or attending and/or hosting a baby shower.  While we don't want you to feel sorry for us, we just want you to understand our pain.  Infertility is a disease and just like any other disease, Infertility is not something you choose.

With each failed cycle comes a fresh wave of disappointment and sadness.  But life doesn't stop just because our life has been shattered.  I will have good days and bad days.  Life will continue to go on around me.  People will continue to get pregnant and have babies.  I will continue to pray and beg God to cure this disease.  I will often wonder "WHY ME??"  I will be forced to suck it up and put on a happy face and go about most of our days as if nothing is wrong.  I will NEVER lose HOPE.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11

While some people in the infertility community question the above verse, I think it is perfect.  God has plans for us and while His plans may be different from our own, he has our best interest in mind.  He knows exactly what we were made to do.

Please DO NOT ignore us.  Please educate yourself so that you can support us as we fight to overcome it. 


For more information about Infertility:

• http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
• http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)

For my take on Infertility Etiquette, please see this post.

Purpose....

Have you ever wondered about your purpose here on Earth?

Ever wondered what Jesus is calling you to do?

This is something that I never thought much about growing up.  Heck I never thought much about it in the early years of my marriage.  It actually was something that never crossed my mind on a regular basis until I was diagnosed with infertility.  I always thought I would grow up, get a college degree, find a job, get married, and have a kid or two.  All of that has happened expect for the kid or two part, but now I often wonder what God has in store for my life.  Infertility has caused me to really take a step back and look for purpose in my life.  

What is He asking me to do?  I am not completely sure yet, but I hope and pray that part of his plan is for me to be a mother.  This is something I struggle with almost daily anymore so when I opened my email this morning and read the daily blog from PrayFit, today's message hit home.  If you want to read the full post go here.

The post focuses on Luke 19:30 - “‘Go into that village over there,’” he told them. ‘As you enter it, you will see a young donkey tied there that no one has ever ridden. Untie it and bring it here.’” 

This donkey was nothing special to ordinary people, but Jesus asked for him specifically.  Jesus could have chosen any mode of transportation, but he chose THIS donkey.  The donkey was going about everyday life when BOOM he found his purpose.....to carry Jesus.  How amazing is that? 

The real purpose in life is to spread the Word of God.   I often wonder how I can do that.  I'm not a public speaker (I literally turn red in the face and my legs shake when forced to talk in front of a crowd) and I am pretty shy around people I don't know.  Maybe the best way I can do it is through my actions.  Trying to live my life for God instead of always begging God for something.  I don't know what God's purpose/plan is for me, but I pray daily that He will show me the way in a way that can't be missed (big flashing signs or lights would be great).  God knows His plan for me and He knows the desires of my heart.  

Many times in life I have felt insignificant.  I made good grades, played sports, had friends but never felt like a standout at anything.  While I may not have felt like much at the time, God knew exactly who I was and what was meant to come of my life.  While He gives us the freedom to choose, I know he has been with me every step of the way.

I hope to one day figure out my purpose and make God proud by carrying out whatever He has in store for me.  While I may feel insignificant like the donkey, I know that God has a purpose/plan for my life. 

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On another note, please pray for all of the people effected by the tornadoes in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area yesterday.  We have some family down there and they are OK, but a lot of people lost their homes and cars.  I don't think any fatalities have been reported so far.

Letting Go...and Trusting God

Although I never blogged about it, we proceeded with IUI #2 after the first one resulted in a BFN.  We just found out that IUI #2 ended with a BFN.  While I am still trying to process this and I would be lying if I said I wasn't MAD/SAD...you name it, I am considerably more at peace with this than I thought I would be.  I hoped it would work.  I had prayed for months leading up to us deciding to try IUI that it was the answer.  As badly as I wanted this to be it for us, God had other plans.  I don't regret trying this and had we not,  I might have always wondered "what if?"

As I was logging into blogger to start this post, I was sidetracked by a post written by Amy @ Chapters.  She talks about the story of Sarah and Abraham.  She talks about how God had promised them a child, but Sarah tried to place her own timing on God's plan by giving Abraham her servant, Hagar.  This hit my heart hard.  Part of me wonders if fertility treatments were us doing the same thing.  We thought long and hard about it before we took the plunge and I truly believed going into it that maybe this was God's answer for us.  It was not.  I know that fertility treatments are in God's plan for several people.  I have seen it result in success.  I don't regret that we tried it, but God has a perfect timing for everything and this was not it for us.
 
My body has a variety of issues when it comes to making a baby, but I also know that they are all minor issues compared to what they could be and I know that at any moment God has the ability to heal my body.  I have seen him do just that to others who have been trying to have a baby for a lot longer than Scott and I and seeing the miracle he worked on them makes me believe even more that he can do the same for us.  I just need to have patience and keep reminding my self that God has perfect timing.

Are we going to try IUI again?  No, at least not any time in the near future.  This process has been exhausting....emotionally and physically. 

God has a plan for our lives.  We are still trying to figure out what that plan is.  Maybe it includes children, maybe it does not.  If it doesn't then we will find a way to live with that.  It will be hard, but I know that God and our family and friends will be by our side.
 
Where do we go from here?  For now I am going to (at least try to) relax, continue to exercise, enjoy this wonderful life I have with Scott, finish planning our trip to New Orleans that is coming up in just under 3 weeks, and try to get past the dissapointment and sadness.

Please keep us in your prayers as we try to see God's plan for us.  I tell God all the time that he needs to be REALLY loud and REALLY clear so that we know exactly what he is asking us to do.

 

I pinned this to a board on Pinterest a few months and have no idea where it originally came from.  I would like to eventually put this saying on a canvas or make it some sort of wall art.

Patience and Waiting

Patience....something I have little of, but have wanted more of it for years.  I am one of the most impatient people I know.  When it comes to several things in life I hate to wait.  I don't have the patience to wait.  This is something I have struggled with my entire life.  I remember praying several times for God to help me with my patience.  I recently finished the book A Graceful Waiting by Jan Frank.  It talks about all of the stages of waiting and how God is transforming you as in this waiting season.

What is the point of worrying during a waiting season?  What is the point of complaining about it?  God already knows when your waiting will be over.  He knows what the outcome will be.  While in a season of waiting (no matter how long or short), I am trying to teach myself to thank God for all that He has already done for me and all that He has already given me, rather than be upset over something that is currently out of reach. This is much harder said than done, but I am trying to move towards this.

This book opened my mind to waiting.  It made me rethink the way I react when I am in the midst of a season of waiting.  God is always in control, even when I can't control the situation.  Here is a quote from A Graceful Waiting.  "He (God) wants your waiting times to be growing times...  He wants you to be still and know the his in control.  He is never late." Wow....when in a season of waiting it is soo easy to make my prayers about what I want and how I want it now.  Being reminded that God knows what He is doing and that He is NEVER late is refreshing.  It doesn't mean that I am not going to be frustrated by the season of waiting I am in, but it helps to remind myself of this when I feel down or upset about having to wait.

A few more quotes from A Graceful Waiting:

"I love you both by the things I give and the things I withold."

"Waiting means hoping: not taking up a vaguely hopeful optimistic approach to life, but looking expectantly for specific events which there is reason for believing will materialize."

Isaiah 40:31 says:
but those who hope in the LORD
   will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
   they will run and not grow weary,
   they will walk and not be faint.

 Lamentations 3:25 says:
he LORD is good to those who wait for Him,
To the person who seeks Him


This book is a must read, even if you are not currently in a season of waiting.  It is a great reminder to how God loves us and how He is working in our lives even when we can't see it.

Favorite Songs

I like listening to music....especially when I am in the car on my way to work in the mornings.  Something about turning the volume up helps me wake up.  Since we moved to Little Rock I always listened to Alice 107.7 or B98.5 in the mornings.  A couple of months ago I finally started listening to KLOVE which is a Christian Music station.  I really wasn't sure what to expect, but oh my gosh...I LOVE IT!  Something about listening to positive music and their morning show co-hosts are awesome also.  Their motto is positive....encouraging....KLOVE and it is soo true.  I never realized how much better I felt after listening to it.  I do occasionally listen to other stations, but it is usually not for long.  Since listening to KLOVE, I have found a couple of new favorite songs that I can seem to get out of my head.  They are "Strong Enough" by Matthew West and "Move" by Mercy Me.  The lyrics to both songs are below.

The last couple of years have been a roller coaster with many ups and downs, but then again when is life not a roller coaster.  Songs like these remind me that 1) I am not alone...God is with me every step of the way whether I think he is or not, 2) when life gets the best of me and I believe that I am not strong enough to handle something...ask for God's help,  and 3) things will get better....they may get worse for before they get better, but God has a plan.

Strong Enough

By:  Matthew West

(lyrics courtesy of http://www.metrolyrics.com)

You must
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us

Well, maybe
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up

Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough

Strong enough

Cause I'm broken
Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

Oh, yeah

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Strong enough

Move

By:  Mercy Me

(lyrics courtesy of http://www.metrolyrics.com)

I'm not about to give up
Because I heard you say
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days

I wont stop, Ill keep my head up
No, I'm not here to stay
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days

I just might bend but wont break
As long as I can see your face

(Chorus)
When life wont play along
And right keeps going wrong
And I cant seem to find my way
I know where I am found
So I wont let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway

I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move (I'm gonna move)

Ive got to hold 'er steady

Keep my head in the game
Everything is about to change
Everything is about to change

This hurt is getting heavy
But I'm not about to cave
Everything is about to change
There's gonna be brighter days

I just might bend but wont break
As long as I can see your face

(Chorus)

No matter what may come
Gotta move to a different drum
No matter what life brings
Gotta move gotta move to a different beat (x2)

I just might bend but wont break
As long as I can see your face

(Chorus) x2

Great Bible Verses

I came across these as I was reading other blogs today and thought I would share.

"Jesus replied: It is because you don't have enough faith! But I can promise you this. If you had faith no larger than a mustard seed, you could tell this mountain to move from here to there. And it would. Everything would be possible for you." ~ Matthew 17:20-21


"I will bless you with a future filled with hope - a future of success, not of suffering." ~ Jeremiah 29:11


"God's spirit doesn't make cowards out of us. The Spirit gives us power, love, and self-control." ~ 2 Timothy 1:7

Bible in a Year

So I have tried following a plan to read the Bible in a year before and it didn't work out so well. It started out really well, but then I started to fall behind and before I knew it I was about a month behind. I eventually stopped. Then around New Year's I started seeing tons of posts on Facebook about people who had just finished reading the Bible in a Year and I thought "I CAN DO THIS and actually finish this time!"

So on January 2, I decided that this was the year to accomplish that task. I found a great website that would let me choose why type of Bible I was reading and how I wanted to read the Bible (Beginning to End, Chronological, etc) and then even pick which month of the year I wanted to start. You can even click right on the links and read that days reading online. I chose chronological order and I have a Contemporary English Version Bible. I have had this Bible for many years and I love it because it puts everything in plain English and is very easy to understand.

My goal was to read the Bible in a year or less. I knew was going to have a problem making myself read EVERY day (even though I should). I decided that days where I had extra time I would read a couple of days worth to make up for the days I knew I would end up skipping. About a month ago I decided to set my alarm about 10 minutes early and spend that extra 10 minutes reading my daily scripture. This has worked out great and I am proud to report that this morning I completed the Old Testament!! According to the the guide I wasn't supposed to complete the Old Testament until September 30th. That means I am a little over 2 months ahead of schedule. I hope to keep this up and have the entire thing finished by the end of October. I make no promises and if something happens and I don't finish until December 31st, this will still have been an success.

Along the way, I have found a few chapters that I will go back and re-read once this is over. I have found a few new favorite Bible verses and I am sure I will find even more as I start reading the New Testament. I can't believe I was 28 years old (turned 29 in the middle of the process) before I actually read the Bible cover to cover. I'll post again when I actually finish and tell exactly how long it took me!

Favorite Bible Verses

It's Favorite Bible verses @ Kelly's Korner and what a great idea it is. I have had a great time reading everyone's favorite Bible verses and thought I would share a few of my own. I have a Contemporary English Version of the Bible called The Promise and I love it. It puts everything into plain English and makes it very easy to understand and read.

God will bless you when other hate you and won't have anything to do with you. God will bless you when people insult you and say cruel things about you, all because you are a follower of the Son of Man. Long ago you own people did these same things to the prophets. So when this happens to you, be happy and jump for joy! You will have a great reward in heaven. ~ Luke 6:22-23

This has been my favorite Bible verse for about 15 years. I am pretty sure it is responsible for getting me through high school.



It is better to trust the Lord for protection than to trust anyone else. ~ Psalms 118:8

This verse is the center verse in the Bible.



God makes everything happen at the right time. Yet none of us can ever fully understand all he has done, and he puts questions in our minds about the past and the future. ~ Ecclesiastes 3:11


I found this verse recently and I love it. I am a very impatient person and verses is a friendly reminder that God has a right time for all things big or small. There is a note in my Bible about this verse which says "Ecclesiastes records the writer's search for wisdom. He tells us more about his troubled search than about the lessons he learned. He does share a lesson with us here. He has learned that God has a "right time" for everything. It's more than a good idea to the ready for God's timing. To be caught "off guard" by events can be great sorrow. Find your peace knowing your life is in God's hands and that his timing will be perfect for you."